Between Apple’s App Store and the Google Play Store, there are tons of extremely useful apps out there designed to make our everyday lives easier. This article, however, is not about any of those apps.
Some applications exist to waste space in the App Store and eat up our time — or at least that’s what it seems like. If you use your smartphone like most people do — to check your email, surf the Web, play games or send text messages — you’ve probably never heard of these apps. That’s because they won’t help you do any of these things. Here’s a roundup of the strangest, stupidest and most pointless apps we could find.
Tap That (Free, Android)
Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like, if you have a dirty mind. And if you own an NFC-enabled Android smartphone running Gingerbread or higher, your device can, well, fornicate with another compatible smartphone through the app. I’d go further into detail, but this video from the developer pretty much sums it up.
We use our smartphones for a lot of things, but personal hygiene certainly isn’t one of them (and hopefully never will be). This app basically makes your phone’s screen “look” like an electric razor. And by that I mean it just displays a power switch on the screen similar to most flashlight apps (except those are actually useful). When the switch is turned on, you guessed it, the phone buzzes like an electric razor.
Yes, there are some people that are so lazy they invented an app to get out of doing work. While iNap@Work won’t actually save you from angry glares while sleeping on the job, the premise is amusing. The idea is that the app would make it sound like you’re working while, in fact, you’re actually sleeping. You can preset certain sounds such as clicking, typing, crumpling paper and stapling to occur “Often” or “Never” depending on your preference.
“WARNING: This game is pointless.” Well, at least they warned us. That’s what the Google Play Store description reads, and they’re not kidding. To play, simply place your finger on the screen. To earn points, leave your finger on the screen. Seriously. That’s it.
I don’t know if this is more stupid than it is gross, but it’s definitely both. This app claims to test your smooching skills by analyzing your kisses. “Use common sense and do not slobber all over the device,” the app description reads. Or, you could use common sense and not use an app to determine whether you’re a good kisser. I don’t know about you, but I think making out with your iPhone is way more embarrassing than being called a “bad kisser.” Just saying…
Smartphones may come in handy for parents in certain situations, but this isn’t one of them. Cry Translator can supposedly tell you whether your baby is hungry, tired, or needs to be burped based on how its cries sound. I’m no child care expert, but I think it’s safe to assume that an app can’t replace a parent’s intuition when it comes to these things.
This is definitely one of the stranger apps of the bunch, but at least it tries to communicate a message. With the iHobo app, your job is essentially to look after a young homeless person for three days—which includes virtually providing food, money and shelter. But your duties stretch beyond those basic needs; your actions affect his moral decision as well. “And the speed of your response could be the difference between him making it through in one piece, or becoming addicted to drugs,” the app description reads. It’s not your run-of-the-mill mobile game, but there’s definitely a charitable theme behind this one.
I don’t know what the obsession is with smartphones and facial hair, but GEICO should team up with the inventor behind Electric Shaver. GEICO’s Brostache commercial pokes fun at the dumb things we use our smartphones for, and its app ironically adds fuel to the fire. The app comes with seven Brostaches to choose from, and each stache moves along with your mouth when the smartphone is held to your lips.
This app is just as weird and creepy as it sounds, perhaps even more so. It’s essentially asking you to pay $4 for a virtual girl that watches you through your smartphone. Yep, that’s it—she just stares at you. There are plenty of fake girlfriend apps out there, but this one tops them all. The app description speaks for itself: “’Watching cute girl’ is just a simple App that a girl watches you…You can become friendly with ‘Watching girl.’”
Similar to Watching Cute Girl (but slightly less creepy), Goggle Eyes is an app that displays a cartoon monkey on your smartphone’s screen. According to the app’s description, the big-eyed primate never takes his gaze off you and uses facial recognition to track your stare. Google Eyes is obviously designed for kids, but we can’t imagine why any child would want to play a game that involves blankly staring at a monkey.
Lisa has been reporting on all things mobile for Laptopmag.com since early 2013. When she’s not reviewing gadgets, she’s usually browsing patent databases or interviewing experts to track down the hottest tech trends before they even happen. Lisa holds a B.A. in Journalism from SUNY Purchase and has contributed to The International Business Times, The New York Daily News and Guitar World Magazine.