Magical though they may often be, some apps are better left undeveloped. The programs featured in this article comprise a shout-out to the barrel bottoms of the collective Android, Apple, BlackBerry, and WebOS app worlds, including a new menstrual cycle tracker for men (always shameful), an iPhone app that claims to interpret a baby's cries, and a game to pass the time when you're in the bathroom. Yep, doing that.
Enjoy Toilet Paper
Platform: iPhone Developer: Lee JasonPrice: $.99Want to Buy It?
Enjoy Toilet Paper's App Store description asks "Did [sic] you find nothing to do when you relieve nature, did you ever once drag out all the toilet paper fleetly?" Answers to both queries are your own, but if they're a resounding, "Yes!" then you'll have loads of fun un-spooling a virtual roll of TP in this app. Do it as fast as you can, and, err, do it again, but faster maybe! Note: You don't need to play this in the bathroom, but apparently the app developer does.
Developer:Davander Mobile Site: www.catpaint.info
Price: $.99Want to Buy It?
I Can Haz Cheeseburger's influence has spread too far. Catpaint, an iPhone app that lets you insert images of cats atop your photos, is the last straw, no LOLs. Built for the type of cat lover with a little too much feline love in their heart, Catpaint is such a well-built, albeit stupid app, that it can leverage the iPhone's accelerometer to afix your cut-and-pasted fuzzballs' orientation when you rotate the device. It also comes compete with cute meowing sounds.
Developer: Biloop Technologies
.99Want to Buy It?Did you see the Pixar movie "Up"? Remember the pack of dogs granted the gift of gab via translators tied to their collars? Well, Cry Translator is that, but for babies. Hold your iPhone over the mouth of your upset bambino, and Cry Translator will tell you if that wail is a holler for attention, a diaper change, or just simply "Feed me now, Tall Person!". Does it work? We're deeply incredulous. You can buy Cry Translator for $29.99, but you'll wind up with an app that's essentially a Magic 8 Ball for parenting.
Developer: Jared Judd
Be wary of stupid apps with practical-sounding names. ScreenClean sounds like an application with intentions of actually being useful, like maybe it removes unused applications from your home screen or maybe it erases glitches and artifacts from damaged videos. Nah. Instead, Cleaner shows videos of cute lil puppies, licking your Android phone's display. To clean it. From the inside. You can put a labrador, a schnauzer, or a bulldog on window detail, or download other versions of ScreenClean with more pups.
Developer: RawLaro Studio
Need a quick way to measure someone's height? How Tall uses the accelerometer in Android phones to determine the distance from your head to the ground, in effect, measuring height. Wondering how it does that? Well, you drop it. The developer recommends that you place something soft in the landing area, but user reviewer Julie expresses our bafflement all the same, "so you want me to drop my $300 droid???"
How Tall Pro, the paid ($.99) version of this app, not only measures your height, it also "analyzes who you are" based on that information. Does that mean psychotherapy, spiritual analysis, or simple identification? No idea.
Developer: RawLaro Studio
First John Cusack and Robert Zemekis, now Jesse Ventura, why not you? Sure, you can pretend in front of all your friends that the end of the world, 12/21/2012, as foretold by the Mayans and their dead-end calender, isn't approaching, but behind closed doors, you're a believer. That's why you've been researching the government's secret bunker program (did you think Obama wouldn't be on top of this?) and stocking up on weapons and non-perishables. How long before the end of all endings begins? Check the handy Doomsday Clock on your WebOS phone.
Platform: PalmDeveloper: Atomic-LabsPrice: $.99
Sometimes, there are no words, and with that fact of life in mind, WebOS developer Mobigamedepot brings us Party Sign, and gives voice to the speechless. Use the 3.1-inch display on your Palm as a mini-billboard by displaying simple messages in text, with emoticons, or both. Mobilegamedepot recommends you use this app in a crowded dance club or to tell a date how you feel in a noisy venue. You can even put your phone number on the screen and broadcast it to an entire room of potential dates, although the desperation that implies is probably enough to send 'em running to back to the safety the group they showed up with. Better not throw that hail mary with the "I Heart You" message either then.
Ah-Ha! The Essential Tool for Men!
Platform: BlackBerry Developer: Phrenck
Even as a joke, there's nothing quite as tacky as a menstrual calender designed to be a monthly alert for men who lack a 10th grade understanding of women's health. Lucky for Ah-Ha! The Essential Tool for Men (us: Men Who Are AssHats), it's not the first feminine-cycle tracker in the world of apps, but that doesn't excuse the amount of ignorance and insensitivity it took to conceive, develop, and sell a program this juvenile.
Here's one example of its inanity: forgetful boyfriends or husbands can program reminders for important events like birthdays or anniversaries, as well as store notes on a special someone's favorite restaurants, colors, jewelry, etc. Seems to us that if you can't remember fundamental details of your girlfriend or wife's personality, or your own anniversary, you've got bigger problems than her next period.
Platform: BlackBerry Developer: Free Tonic Entertainment Inc.
The simplest app we've ever seen, the teslaPad turns your BlackBerry Storm into an electronic static generator, but only visually; you won't be raising anyone's hair on end. You may, alternatively, elicit a jump or two; telsaPad uses haptic feedback to vibrate the phone when the screen is touched. We estimate the novelty on this application to last about 10 minutes for those under the age of five.
Platform: BlackBerry Developer: Wheeler Partners Co..99Site: http://appworld.blackberry.com/webstore/content/266Want to Buy It?
For those who love the sound of church bells ringing there is Hourly Chimes. Choose from eight different "beautiful sounds", set to play automatically any time of any day you want. The app description says "you can tell it [the app] to play chimes sounds [sic] every hour from Monday to Friday from 9 AM to 17 PM [sic] - this will make your day at work so much more enjoyable!" The developers are Wheeler Partners Corp, and yes, we too suspect zero irony in that statement. We also don't think Wheeler Partners realize just how much co-workers are likely to put your phone in a blender if it even rings loudly twice in one hour, let alone chiming off 8 or 9 times a day.